First Steps in Communication

 “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”  This simple phrase from author Steven Covey speaks to the most critical part of effective communication – to first understand the other.  Three simple steps are critical to effective listening and understanding : Mirroring, Validating and Empathizing.  They are the first and necessary steps to resolving relationship conflict and increasing connection.

 Mirroring:  For meaningful communication to happen, each person must not only be heard, they must also know – be told and assured – that they are being heard.  If I am not certain that you heard and understood what I just said, I am not likely to be receptive to hearing what you have to say. To the contrary, I am more likely to keep trying to tell you my message over and over, sometimes in different ways, in hopes that I will finally know I have been heard.  Not feeling heard can be highly frustrating and aggravating, and certainly blocks effective communication and problem solving.   Thus, the first step is to listen carefully to what the other is saying, with a focus on really hearing, understanding and letting the other know that their point has been accurately received.  This requires that the listener not be reacting, interrupting or rehearsing their response while the other is speaking.  For many, this may be among the most difficult skills to master, particularly if they have an emotional response to the speaker or the message. And, the more difficult it is, the more important it is to do it well.  

ü      Be quiet and listen. 

ü      Make eye contact. 

ü      Focus on their words.

ü      Tell them what you heard. 

ü      Be open to correction or clarification.

 Validating:  Validating means letting the speaker know that what they have said makes sense, that it is a valid reaction or response to the situation as seen from their point of view.  Note that validating is not agreeing with what the person said.  Every person will have a different perspective, sometimes very different perspective, on a situation. Each perspective, as received and interpreted by that individual, is valid and worthy of consideration.  If I suspect that you think my point of view is nonsense or not valid, I am hardly motivated to continue our communication with an open mind. 

ü      Imagine seeing the situation from the perspective of the speaker. 

ü      Reflect to them your understanding of their response or reaction. 

ü      This may sound like “I can see how this situation, seen from your perspective, would have been so frustrating for you.”

 Empathizing: 

To empathize with someone means to take the next step in their shoes and actually try to imagine what their experience may be like. It is as if you are trying to feel a bit of what they are feeling.  Effective empathy requires being able to imagine the experience of another, often by recalling similar circumstances in our own experience.  Effectively empathizing with someone communicates a real understanding, appreciation and acceptance of their experience, their point of view and their feelings. To be heard, understood and felt at that level, is a powerfully healing force and one that most often nurtures an atmosphere of open communication and give and take in problem solving.

ü      Empathy might sound like: “I can imagine how angry and frustrated you must feel in this situation.”

 Mirroring, validating and empathy, especially in difficult or contentious situations are difficult skills that take practice and guidance to master. To the extent that each person can use them, communication will virtually always be more open, less threatening, more productive and satisfying for everyone involved.  Work with these communications skills is often an important component in working with relationships of all kinds.

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Tips for Journaling

Journaling is a lot like what your mother may have told you about taking medicine:  “It’s good for you, so do it anyway.”  Now, whatever comes up in you with that memory, make a stretch to step past it because this is not something your mother is telling you to do.  Journaling is a choice you get to make for yourself.  And that is what this little note is about – how you do it just for yourself.  Here are the basics:

ü      Your journal is private – a communication for you alone.  No one – EVER – is to read any part of it.  If you want to share something with someone - even with your counselor – read it to them. 

ü      If you cannot guarantee your journal will remain private, burn the pages after you write them (Do it safely, please!)

ü      Remember, there is no grade.  Don’t worry about sentences, spelling, grammar or neatness. 

ü      Write whatever comes in your head – no matter what.

ü      If you can’t think of anything, write about what it is like to not have anything to write about.

ü      Write often – more than you want to or think you need to.

Oh, you are wondering what you will get out of journaling?  No one can tell you.  You can only find out by doing it.             :=)

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Grief Recovery:  Is there life after loss?

As a society and as individuals we don’t grieve very well.  It is ironic that for most of us, gains and celebrations of new things are the stuff of good conversations and social interaction from pleasant to jovial and even triumphant.  Births, marriages, promotions, new homes and graduations are all met with parties, decorations, smiles, laughter and all manner of open and public displays of delight, joy and celebration.  Yet, because every gain or success must have an end, there are almost certainly at least as many losses in our lives as gains.  Isn’t it odd that the act of grieving is not only poorly done, if is it acknowledged at all, and that it is also one of the most actively suppressed emotional states we can experience?

 In The Grief Recovery Handbook, authors James and Friedman describe six myths about how we “should” respond to grief according to the social messages most of us learn:

Ø      Don’t feel bad – (deny it, lie to yourself about it, suppress your feelings)

Ø      Replace the loss – (eat or drink something, drink to feel better, find another to replace what was lost, shift the focus of attention elsewhere)

Ø      Grieve alone – (isolate, don’t burden others with your loss, your feelings are unacceptable to others)

Ø      Give it time – (ignore it, repress the memories, hope for a miracle)

Ø      Be strong for others – (shift the focus, ignore it)

Ø      Keep busy – (deny it, exhaust your physical energy so you won’t feel emotions)  

 Unfortunately, these myths and attitudes do nothing to resolve the sense of loss and may contribute to destructive behaviors, isolation, guilt, blaming, hopelessness, resentment, depression and even suicide.  Sadly, they largely comprise the usual way that most people have learned to respond to grief.

If we think of grief as the feelings, memories and experiences that come as a result of any perceived physical, emotional or spiritual loss, is it clear that everyone has opportunities to experience grief.  As a natural and expected human condition, grief must be accepted, understood, and allowed to take its natural course.  It has been said that the cure for grief is to share it.  There is much wisdom in this simple statement in that it reflects the dynamic that the feelings I can name and discuss openly seem to have less power over me.  Those things I can bring into my consciousness and share with others, and for which I am offered caring and acknowledgement, become more manageable.

 Recovery from grief involves being able to claim your circumstances instead of your circumstances claiming you, finding new meaning for living without the fear of being hurt again, and being able to enjoy fond memories without overwhelming emotional reactions.  It is NOT “getting over it.”  Grief recovery involves:

Ø      Honoring the feelings and allowing them to be heard

Ø      Letting what is painful be painful

Ø      Allowing open sharing of memories, regrets, anger and resentment

Ø      Expecting grief feelings to come back, to be triggered by events, dates and places and memories – and welcoming them

Ø      Talking about what you wish had been different

Ø      Considering what and who needs to be forgiven

Ø      And, when you are ready, allowing yourself to feel better

The process of grief recovery must focus on achieving emotional completion around the loss, discovering and completing what was unfinished, and saying what was unsaid.  It is a natural, healing and growth-producing process, though often an uncomfortable one. 

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Tips for Speaking Clearly

 Use “I” statements.  When you say “I feel…,” I think…,” “I want…” you take responsibility for yourself and let others know who you are and where you stand. Although “you” statements may seem more comfortable and conversational, they allow room to not be fully responsible for thoughts or actions, as well as contributing to misunderstanding.   For example, compare these statements: 

• “You know, when you really want something and just can’t get it, you really feel frustrated and even angry.”  (Who is being talked about?  What is the speaker trying to say?)
• “When I really want something and can’t get it I really feel frustrated and angry.” (See, that’s clearer, isn’t it?)

Watch out for “but.”  It has been said that when there is a “but” in a sentence, either whatever came before it or what comes after it is a lie. For example:  “I like your work, but what you did today was not very good.”   (He doesn’t like the work at this moment does he?); or: “I don’t want to hurt your feelings but you were pretty offensive.” (Here the “but” really means “I am going to hurt your feelings anyway.”)

Try using “and” instead of “but.”  Like this: “I like your work, and, what you did today was not very good.” (The “and” allows both statements to be true.) ; or: “I don’t want to hurt your feelings, and, you were pretty offensive.” (Again, both things can be true.)

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A Matter of Balance

I was walking in the woods recently enjoying the expanding beauty of the trees after a long winter and thinking of the cycles of the natural world.  In every year and in all things in nature there is balance. Winter is balanced by summer, spring is balanced by fall, day by night, life by death.  It is interesting to realize that in each of these examples, each side is dependent on and could not exist without the other. 

In a similar way, we humans are built for balance.  A poem that relates the teachings of a Lakota elder to a young man explains the concept this way: 

“In life there is sadness as well as joy;
Losing as well as well as winning;
Falling as well as standing;
Hunger as well as plenty;
Bad as well as good.

 Grandfather does not say this
To make you despair,
But to teach you reality;
To teach you that life is a journey
Sometimes walked in light,
Sometimes in shadow.

…You have weaknesses

As well as strength.
You have both because in life
There are two of everything.
Within you is the will to win
As well as the willingness to lose,
The heart to feel compassion
As well as the smallness to be arrogant.
Within you is the will to face life
As well as the fear to turn away from it.”

 

This simple truth that our lives are meant to be in balance is often lost in a strong social and sometimes familial expectations to be always happy, always successful, never upset or less than perfect.  To deny the balance of all parts of ourselves is to deny who we are as humans.  We fail, we struggle, sometimes we succeed and sometimes we don’t.

On the other hand, making dramatic swings between the extremes of moods, actions or feelings is not healthy either – that is not balance.  The wisdom is in learning to recognize and own what we don’t want to see in ourselves, those parts that we might be least proud of, while at the same time accepting and enjoying fully our most wonderful parts and talents that make us uniquely who we are.   Too much one way may lead us to depression, too much the other may lead us to mania or narcissism.  In balance, we are whole and in tune with all of who we really are.

Finding the balance can be difficult work, often requiring us to entertain thoughts and make choices that seem contrary to what we have been taught to believe we “should” do, think or feel.  And, if we can make the choices to look at ourselves and our world differently, the possibilities can be tremendous.

The old man in the poem quoted above advises the young man to learn and gain strength in his struggles, to find hope in taking the next step. Most importantly:

 “Grandfather says this:  ‘Keep going!’”

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Me and My Shadow

The famous Swiss psychologist Carl Jung spoke of the human shadow which can be loosely defined as those parts of ourselves that we pretend are not there, that we hide from others, and that we do not want anyone to know about.  Like our literal shadow, those inner secret parts follow us all the time.  Sometimes we get hints that they are there, but most of the time we do not see them.  Being aware of our shadows can give us some power over them and allow us to learn how they work against us.

Examples of shadows might be inner thoughts such as “I am not attractive,”  “I am not worthy,” or “I do not need or want anyone close to me in my life.”  If we are not aware of how they work, shadows can lead us to undermine our best intentions.  A shadow-based thought might sound like: “Since I believe I am not worthy of being loved, I will give you a reason to reject me.  I will unconsciously sabotage our relationship because it hurts less if I do it myself.”

These shadows are a part of the dual nature of the “two of everything” inside us that the poem above describes. 

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“Float Like a Butterfly….”

Has this happened to you?  In the midst of a good and productive day, something happens.  Unexpected, upsetting, perhaps frightening or deeply frustrating, it “ruins” the day.  We ask: “What happened?  How could I go from doing so well, and feeling so good, to quickly feeling overwhelmed, angry, fearful or sad?”

From time to time, we all experience such disruptions and find that they quickly overpower our best efforts to maintain an emotional equilibrium. Unchecked, our internal  responses to such upsets can spill into our conversations, distract us from work we have to do, erode our patience, trigger arguments, and turn what seemed to be a challenging situation into a mess. 

Boxing legend Mohammed Ali used to say he could “float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.” Like a boxer, in order to defend ourselves against the attacks, punches and jabs that life hands us, we must maintain a base, a secure stance to allow us to roll with the punches and respond appropriately in the moment.  Once knocked off our base, nothing seems easy, we can get confused, and irritation and even fear mount fast. 

What is your base - the foundation from which you can keep your internal sense of balance, where you can respond to adversity without being knocked down? 

Some will say their base is self-confidence, their internal assurance that they know what they are doing and can handle whatever comes along.  However, at times everyone gets overwhelmed.  We can’t be prepared for everything.  Life will sooner or later present us with something we do not know how to handle.  What then? 

I believe in the face of changes and surprises that seem overwhelming, the most secure place is the realization that we are connected with something that is larger than ourselves – and therefore larger than whatever seems to be attacking us.  That may be hard to do “in the heat of battle,” and yet there is a sense of comfort and security that can be found in the internal knowledge that “I am more than this situation; I am not alone, and though I do not know now how I will deal with this, I trust that I will be able to do so.”   

Finding or regaining this sense of internal security can be a challenge.  Interestingly, the response for many is to withdraw into themselves, to get quiet and isolate.  Ironically, the best response is almost always the opposite – to reach out and connect with those who can give support in a non-judgmental way.  For some the source of security may be God, or some other aspect of religion or faith, for others it may be a group of friends, for others it may be the power of nature.  Whatever it is for you, it is useful to consciously maintain a daily relationship with your base so you know exactly how to connect with it when you most need it.  

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The “D” word – Discipline

Rules, structure, consequences, time-outs, restrictions – all are words that children hate and many parents dread.  For all they are dreaded however, there is almost nothing - short of love - that children need more.   

From the beginning, a child focuses on exploring the world, on getting to know what is around them and pushing the edge of what is familiar.  When they are babies setting safe boundaries is pretty easy.  We put the sides up on the crib, place dangerous things out of reach, and dress them properly.  As they grow we move things out of their path, and we set limits on where they can go and what they can do without our supervision.  Boundaries provide safety and security, even if they do not like them. 

As they grow and their capabilities expand, the boundaries that keep them safe and keep their behavior appropriate must expand as well.  Even though they grow more capable and want more freedom, the need for boundaries and limits does not go away.  In fact, boundaries must be clearer, stronger and carry even more significant consequences as they get older.   

The difficulty is that children get increasingly rebellious and defiant as they grow.  They challenge the rules and boundaries, they want more freedom, and they may resent consequences and limitations.  To grow, challenge and push the limits is their job.  That is how they learn.  To keep them safe and appropriately limited so they can learn how to behave and get along in a world of rules and limits, including those that seem unfair, is the job of parents. 

Every child needs rules and limits.  From birth until they leave home there must be clear and specific rules for appropriate behavior and equally clear and specific consequences.  To be effective, consequences should in the form of time-outs or restrictions, and they must be applied consistently, without anger or retribution, each and every time a rule is violated. 

Ø      Keep rules short, clear and specific, such that a violation is clear and not debatable.

Ø      Keep consequences short, simple and as certain as the rising sun.  They are not punishment, but consequences of a choice that violated a rule.

Ø      Avoid scolding, lecturing, shaming or disparaging comments or insults – they send damaging subconscious messages and don’t improve behavior.

Ø      Remember rules are a product of your love and your willingness to do whatever it takes to your child safe and teach them how to be successful in the world.

Ø      Above all, when your child objects, gets angry, insults or challenges you – DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! 

Parenting is a tough job and everyone needs support and help from time to time.  Raising children was never meant to be a solitary task.  Get help, find support and give yourself a break.

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Try Reading This Aloud….

My deepest fear is not that I am inadequate.
My deepest fear is that I am powerful beyond measure.
It is my light, not my darkness, that most frightens me.

 

I ask myself, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented, and fabulous?"
Actually, who am I not to be?

 

I am a child of God.
My playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that
other people won't feel insecure around me.

 

I was born to make manifest the glory of God
that is within me.
It's not just in me,
it's in everyone.

 

And as I let my own light shine, I unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As I am liberated from my own fear,
my presence automatically liberates others.

 

For a number of years now, this has been one of my favorite quotations.  So much so that those of you who have gotten this newsletter since the beginning may recognize that I have presented it before.  Although the quote has often been incorrectly attributed to others, it actually comes from author Marianne Williamson in her book A Return to Love.  However, when Marianne wrote it, she used the pronouns “our” and “we” in place of the “my” and “I” statements.  It is a moving passage as she wrote it to be sure.  And yet, when I make the change to say “I” the focus and power of the passage seems to change dramatically.  Using “I” it forces me to really look at the possibility of the truth of this powerful statement within myself.  And I often find that at once exhilarating and frightening. 

What does it mean if this really is true?  It seems pretty clear by the final lines that the author is not advocating arrogance, narcissism or grandiosity.  So the questions may become: Can I “make manifest the glory of God that is within me” and still be humble, kind and accepting of others?  To what extent has a social norm of not being selfish, overbearing or bragging expanded within me and others to actually lead to devaluing, holding back or denying in order to be acceptable or non-offensive?  

What would it look like to fully honor the gifts I have been given, to fully my utilize talents, abilities and inspirations?  And if it is true that to do this is the most frightening thing, what is the fear about?  What would be the risk to consider that this might be true for you?

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The Power of Intentional Idleness

 Many years ago when I worked as a paramedic, I had a friend and mentor who taught me how important it is in the midst of life and death chaos to mentally and emotionally slow down.  The idea of slowing down in a crisis as a way to accomplish more was certainly a paradox and, when I worked at it, remarkably effective. 

Taken to a level beyond the momentary crisis, this same idea expands to encompass the idea of stopping, just when the demands of life seem most immediate, and taking the time to re-charge and re-focus.  This “intentional idleness” may be a moment of quiet self-care, a few minutes of relaxation in the midst of stress, a time not to plan (which is just mental “doing”) but to let go of all the demands and just settle back into yourself and let your soul and body be restored.  

In practice, this can look like taking just 10 minutes for you. (Aren’t you worth that?).  Set a timer so you don’t have to worry about the time.  Then sit down, close your eyes, relax and just notice your breathing.  Many thoughts will come in.  That’s fine.  Just thank them and let them go, assuring them that in a few minutes you will give them the attention they want.  For now however, just keep letting go and noticing your breathing and the feeling of your body relaxing.  That is all there is to it.  The challenge is to stay with it, allowing yourself to relax as much as you can, and don’t worry if you get distracted.  It is said that the great teacher Raam Daas has said that if your mind wanders 10,000 times and you bring it back 10,001, then your meditation is successful. 

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Endings and Beginnings…

As I sit here contemplating what to write and thinking about the year drawing to an end and the start of the New Year, I cannot help but notice what seems like a small dilemma:  that these bi-monthly newsletters started in February of last year, which means that this newsletter does not fit neatly into the calendar year. This issue will span the change of one year to the next.  That’s no big deal, is it?  Or is it? While this seems a simple situation, it raises questions about drawing one year to a close and starting another. 

 I can’t help but smile to myself to realize that I am actually spending time and energy being concerned about a newsletter fitting into the arbitrary pattern of a calendar year!    The calendar, of course, is just a means to measure time that humans created as a way to meet our need for order and the illusion of control.  I wonder what is it that we feel we must control? What is there about time that seems threatening?  For most of us, notions of time are closely related to beginnings, endings, death and what happens when time runs out.  In response to fears triggered by ideas of endings and death, many people turn to denial, distraction and not paying attention to what is happening in the inexorable march of time.   

Death - the ending of time for people, things, institutions, dreams and even thought and behavior patterns - is largely assumed to be a negative, painful time of loss.  Certainly, loss is legitimately painful. And yet, if viewed from a different perspective, it may look and feel much different.  Look at a newborn baby, for example.  Imagine the scenario:  

After months of life in blissful perfection where each and every need and want are so instantly met that there is no perception of discomfort or loss, the baby is squeezed, pushed, and manipulated into to a cold and harshly bright and noisy place.  There are huge creatures that handle the baby roughly, let it get cold and hungry, and generally fail in every respect to duplicate the perfect life the baby had just minutes before.  No wonder babies cry!  What a huge and scary loss! And yet we also view birth as a moment of miraculous joy!  How can it be both? 

Could it be, as a friend of mine once pointed out, that death is really a birth into something else?  Can what seems like an ending really be a beginning?  In nature, this reality is abundantly clear.  Virtually every death in the natural world serves to give life somewhere else.  Every ending is the start of something new.  In fact, there cannot be new life unless something else has died.  It is a simple fact of nature. 

If we apply this principle to our lives, particularly at the end of one year and the beginning of the next, we may ask ourselves:  What is there in me that must die to allow something new to live?  In other words, what must I be willing to give up or change about the ways that I have been used to living and thinking, that will allow me to step into a new way of living and being?   

As you approach the coming New Year, I invite you to ask yourself what you will choose to let die in you to allow something new to be born.  Happy New Year!! Happy New Beginnings.

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Through the Eyes of a Child…

I recently spent part of a morning outdoors with two wonderful young children, a boy nearly 2 years old and his sister, about 4 1/2.  On a cool and delightfully sunny fall day, we walked about in the fields, explored the woods, had conversations with trees and worked on a project together. 

In this grand opportunity I was able to see the world through the eyes of these children.  For a short while that day, they reminded me that I could: 

• Trust enough to know I could listen to, and talk to a tree.
• Be sensitive enough to consider how my actions might impact another living thing.
• Be curious enough to wonder how prayer works, who listens, and what happens.
• Have the faith to be unquestioningly certain that care would be there for me when I need it.
• Be unashamed to not know, to ask for help, to make a mistake, to appear weak.
• Be delighted to laugh and giggle just for the fun of it.
• Accept the part of me that wants to cry and demand what I want even if it is not “reasonable.”
• Be humble enough to willingly learn and be amazed with uncritical and unthreatened awe at what I cannot understand.

What a refreshing way to live and be in the world!

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