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Articles - Volume 5 |
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Articles - Volume 5 |
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. In the words of an old popular song and a far older sacred text: “To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven.” When I consider that thought, observing the world recently seems even more interesting than usual. In the midst of winter, it is obvious that most of the natural world is dormant or hibernating, taking a much needed rest from which new life will bloom in the spring. At the same time, we have just seen the inauguration of a new president and the fast-moving first days of the new administration. On top of that we have the economic recession: a time of fear and uncertainty that has many people and businesses retreating, “spending defensively,” worrying and wondering how to prepare for the possibility that things may get worse. If the message of the ancient text and the old song holds any truth for us, this must be the time and the season for something. But what? And how can we know? For reasons I am not quite sure of, I am reminded just now of a favorite quote: “Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out.” --James Bryant Conant Do you ever have ‘turtle days’? You know, those days when it seems better to just pull your head in and let the world go by without you? I suspect this could partially explain what is going on with the part of us that may be pulling in, retreating, and being particularly careful of expenses and investments. And yet, it seems to me that ‘turtle days’ are far different than days of rest. While at times it may be wise to retreat, a ‘turtle day’ is not a healing rest – it is a hiding place. And the quote above is about moving out of hiding, about stepping into the risk of taking action. What I like most about the turtle quote is that it is clearly a challenge to do something: make a choice, make a change. There is a time for wondering, a time to consider and question. And finally at some point, it is time to do something. That moment may be one that brings uncertainty, anxiety and even fear. The lesson of the turtle calls us to be aware of that uncertainty and anxiety and to act anyway - consciously accepting the risk. In considering the depth and breadth of all that is happening and not happening in our larger world, together with all that makes up our individual parts of that world, we sooner or later all find ourselves faced with the same question: What is my next step, and what is the risk I must accept in order to take it? How we answer that question is likely to be different for each of us. What is common to us all is that we cannot, not answer it. We really only have three choices. We can ignore it (hide), we can intentionally set it aside (rest), or we can choose to do something (act). Of those choices, there is really only one that creates change. Hiding virtually never improves anything, and often conditions deteriorate while we hide. Resting can be useful to help us prepare and recharge, but in itself resting does not create change. Only action can make something different. One thing that I think is true about people is that they do not make changes in their lives just because they decide one day that they want to be different. (If that were true, Weight Watchers and Alcoholics Anonymous would not exist.) Real change requires planning, preparation and – most of all – a series of distinct, positive steps toward a defined goal. I am aware that taking a first step can seem daunting especially when we are assuming that the first step must be big or definitive. On the contrary, often the most useful first step is a small one. Remember that each step need be only large enough to get you to the next one. It may be to write a goal, make a phone call, or just ask for help. So, if you were to take one distinct and measurable step toward making a change in your life this week – a step that you know you can accomplish - what would it be? Time To Choose...
It has often been said that the
primary resource that we have to work with in our lives is time. We seem to
be constantly in the dilemma of knowing that we ultimately have a limited
(though unknown) quantity of time available, and there are far more demands
on our time than we can ever fulfill. So what do we do? At the root this is question is
the issue of priority and choice. Who or what will I allow to choose how my
time is spent? An interesting exercise is to
write down what you believe are the five most important things in your
life. They may be relationships, faith, children, career or many others.
There is no right or wrong, just what seems right for you. Then see if you
can rank them in order of importance to you. Next, write down what you
actually did last week – how you spent your time. List what you spent the
most time doing, then what you spent the second most time on, etc. Check
your schedule and see if you can account for as much of your week as you
can. Then, compare the two lists.
Comparing what you believe is most important in your life with what you
actually spend your time and energy doing might be a sobering reality
check. Or, it might be a validation that you are living a life congruent
with your core beliefs. For reasons I am not quite sure of, I am thinking this morning about the character Tevye in the musical “Fiddler on the Roof.” At the beginning, Tevye is singing and explaining the importance of traditions among the people in his little village. He explains that they have traditions for everything, from the most important ceremonies and events to the smallest details of daily life. Tevye declares that because of their traditions: “Every one of us knows who he is, and what God expects him to do.” He says that without their traditions, their lives “would be as shaky as a fiddler on the roof.” It seems to me that the traditions that Tevye’s people hold so dearly are analogous to what we might call our core values or beliefs. For most of us, it would be true to say that even the smallest details of our daily lives are influenced by core values or beliefs such as honesty, trustworthiness, integrity, responsibility, human kindness and mercy. Tevye’s explanation seems to highlight the fact that traditions, or core beliefs and values, form the foundation and source of security for his people – and probably for us as well. Throughout the story, his commitment to his core beliefs is tested and challenged. Over and over, Tevye is called to face difficult challenges to what he believes. We watch as he carefully and often painfully examines his values and beliefs as they push back against the forces that urge him to change. At times, he is able to see that it is time for him to change. And yet at other times - notably at the most dramatic moments in the story - he declares that he has come to the point where he can no longer compromise – that to do so would be to abandon what keeps him stable in knowing “who he is, and what God expects him to do.” Tevye’s situation – the conflict of values, traditions and the demands of life - is deeply painful for him and divisive for his family. The story shows clearly the pain and conflict that is born out of making hard choices based on core beliefs. There is tension and conflict of loyalties here – loyalty to family vs self vs one’s God and one’s traditions. And ultimately, it is a demonstration of the essential nature of doing whatever is necessary to maintain stability – even if it means doing what was once unthinkable and paying a huge personal price for it. I can’t help but wonder how this kind of conflict, this paradox, plays out in our daily lives? It is clear that on a societal level as well as in each of us, we are tested and challenged every day. We are constantly pushed to do what we have not done before, to consider things that might once have seemed unthinkable, to face complexities that once were impossible to imagine. Though we each have our unique story, I believe there is much similarity among us in this regard. Reflecting on Tevye’s example, I see that every choice I make is a reflection of my core beliefs and values. Whether I am aware of it or not, my actions are a clear statement of who I am and what I believe. But what happens when, like Tevye, the challenges and the changes in the people and the world around us place us in a bind? What happens when it seems that no matter what choice I make, I must violate or compromise a core belief or value? How do I make a choice, when every choice seems to be a poor one? One option at such times is to fall back to what seems most essential and say “No More!” But how do we know when we take a stand or make such a choice that we are being steadfast and faithful to what we believe, versus when we might be resorting to stubborn resistance out of fear of making a change that really needs to be made? How do we discern when it is right to remain steadfast in our traditions, our core beliefs and the stability of what we know? And how do we know when it is time to let go of stubborn resistance and move past what no longer works to step courageously into a new way of being? Where in your life today are you choosing to remain steadfast, and where might you be stubbornly resisting something that needs to be different? Gratitude: The Path to Healing Some say that the road out of depression is gratitude. Making “gratitude lists” is a key exercise in the 12-step traditions of recovery from addictions. Many religious traditions teach that every prayer should begin with expressions of gratitude. Each of these points highlights the value, perhaps even the healing power, of simply being grateful. The simple act of consciously expressing gratitude requires us to look at things from a positive perspective. It is far too easy to get so absorbed in the negative, the losses, the regrets and the resentments that it seems there is nothing else available to us. Someone recently offered a great idea: At least once a day take a moment to tell someone close to you (or write down) what you are grateful for and what you would like to create more of in your life. Why not try it today? I recently did a presentation for a service club that focuses on raising money and doing projects to support youth and children. When I attended one of their meetings to get to know the group, I quickly noticed that the group members were nearly all over 50 (including me). The experience of a room filled with older adults gathered for the purpose of helping children was striking. It was inspiring to see the dedication of these men and women and to learn of all their efforts in the community to make a difference for kids. As my thoughts wandered to imagining how their projects and events worked, I found myself becoming curious about how older adults interact with children. Then a few days later, my wife and I went to a local theater where there was a premier of a new movie. We were hoping to go to a different show, but the line of people outside for the premier was so huge, we literally could not get into the lobby to get tickets to our show. As we left the theater in frustration I noticed that the most of the people in line for the new movie were young – probably between 15 and 25. I noticed in my frustration my thoughts toward those young people were a bit critical – even judgmental. I caught myself noticing how many of them were different from me: the multiple hair colors and shapes, the hardware and jewelry stuck in places where I would never dream of poking anything sharp, and clothing styles that looked to me like they must be terribly uncomfortable. And then I stopped and realized what I was thinking. It was sobering to admit how judgmental my thoughts were and the fact that I was seeing the differences between those young people and me as barriers – not because they were wrong - but because I was uncomfortable with them not being like me. So here I have two images: one of a group of older adults working to help support and assist young people, and another of a middle-aged guy (me) feeling put off by a group of young people because they seemed different and inconvenient. This all got me wondering more deeply about what role adults have in supporting young people who are not our own children, and what might be getting in the way of us doing what needs to be done to help them grow up in a good way? In many indigenous cultures, and even in our country before the industrial revolution, adults like grandparents, aunts, uncles, neighbors and friends all played important roles in helping the young people learn and develop into successful community members. Unfortunately, close-knit communities like that don’t exist today. It seems self-evident that our young people need the acceptance, support and guidance of older adults. None of us were meant to have to figure out by ourselves how to make it in the world, and the task of growing up is simply too large and too complex to expect parents, schools, churches and police to be all the guidance that youth need. So how are we to help with the growth and nurturing of our youth? Sadly, there seems to be a cultural separation between youth and adults in our communities – it’s the separation I felt at the movie theater. While a few organizations are doing what they can to help, many adults seem reluctant to become involved either through an organization or personally. I believe that to make a difference our first step might have to be to examine how we miss or avoid opportunities to make connections with young people, and notice the thoughts and feelings that are getting in the way. Then the challenge is to act. I find that it is very easy to express hope for our young people to become productive and powerful leaders in our society. Many of us will also admit that they need help to make that happen. But then I remember the words of someone very dear to me: “Intention without action is illusion.” What our kids need is our action, not just words. They need our willingness to connect with them, not just our hope that they will do well. What makes it hard for you to make a connection with a child or young adult? What might you do if you were to choose to reach out anyway? |
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Wisdom from the Cowardly Lion As I look around me today I can’t help but notice lots of bad stuff happening to good people. From the inconvenient to the inconceivable, folks all around are being forced to deal with situations that seem to have been thrust upon them through no fault of their own. Perhaps as a result of my profession or my personality (or both), I can’t help but be curious about how people deal with unforeseen adversity. It is one thing to anticipate and plan for challenges and hard times, but quite another to be surprised by them. Given all this, it makes sense that when such a challenge struck close to home for me recently, I found myself observing my own reactions with intense interest. Long ago I learned that a good entry point to understanding what is going on in me is to assess my feelings – those emotions that bubble up to the surface even if I don’t want them to. In this case, I noticed a mixture of anger, frustration, sadness and fear. “Why does this have to happen?” “Why now?” “I don’t need this in my life!” (Anger) “I can’t stop this, or change it, or make it go away!” “AAAACKK!!!” (Frustration) “This is hurting me and people I care about.” “Things will never be the same.” (Sadness) “I don’t know what to do.” “What if we can’t figure this out?” (Fear) Whenever difficult situations and feelings arise, a natural response is to try to deny that anything is wrong, to minimize how bad it is, to ignore our feelings. Yep, I did (or was tempted to do) all those. Then, in a quiet moment while I was reflecting on someone else’s dilemma, I asked myself what that person needed more of. “Courage” is the word that popped to mind. I immediately wondered: “Why courage instead of strength, health, money or a miracle?” “What is courage anyway?” “Courage sounds good, but what does it really mean and how can it help?” It seems to me that we speak of courage, we wish we had it, we see it and envy it in others, and yet we can be hard pressed to define it or find it in ourselves. At the same time, I can’t help but believe that we really have it within us in full supply, but we have trouble accessing or making full use of it. After all, in the Wizard of Oz, the cowardly lion never really got a thing from the wizard. The courage he found was already within him. Perhaps we have too high expectations of courage. Is it supposed to make us feel better or just help us to do more or endure more? I wonder if we try to seek comfort in courage, when that is not its purpose. The famous actor John Wayne is quoted as saying: “Courage is being scared to death…and saddling up anyway.” That makes sense to me, but it sure doesn’t sound comfortable! Courage seems to be a warrior skill, but it is clearly not the same as aggression. It seems closer to steadfastness - an inner tenacity to hold on and keep going in the face of impossible odds and all kinds of reasons to give up. It is said that at some point during the hellish experience of World War II, Winston Churchill said: “If you are going through hell, keep going!” That sounds like courage. It is striking to me that no definition of courage says anything about winning, defeating an enemy or changing anything. And yet, I suspect courage is a prerequisite to any victory. When we look at the Cowardly Lion we see that, in spite of his fear, his desire to run and hide, and his mistaken belief that he was inadequate, he was able to let go of his worry and self-defeating talk and step into action. The shift for him seemed to happen when he turned his attention to the needs of others and off of his own fears. Hmmm…..What if we all tried that? |
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“I Can’t Decide….” (You Just Did) There is saying attributed to Harvey Cox that goes: “Not to decide is to decide.” This little quip challenges the idea that indecision can be a way to hide from taking responsibility for a choice. Indecision is itself a choice that has consequences and impacts. The problem is that making decisions seems like risky business. If we make a firm decision, then there might be consequences, or someone might hold us accountable for that decision. Responsibility can be a frightening thing. But if that little saying is true, then we are actually responsible whether we decide or not, aren’t we? |
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Fight, Flee or Connect… A Choice? In a recent seminar on relationships, I was reminded of a line from a poem by Roy Croft that goes: “I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.” To me this says that although I am sufficient on my own, with my partner I am more – and we are more – than either of us would be on our own. And I wonder how that is possible? This question brings me to a more basic question about human nature: Are we intended to be in connection or to be essentially independent? Although some say that we are intended to be independent because we come into this life alone and we must leave it alone, the truth is that as a species we are social animals. The necessity for us to be in connection with each other is not just socially engrained, it is hardwired. We must be in connection with others to survive and thrive. When humans shifted from being nomadic hunter-gatherers to an agrarian and communal species tens of thousands of years ago, they did so because living in groups enhanced their chances of survival. Against our predators we humans are not very well equipped to survive, fight, or even flee. We don’t run very fast compared to the critters that might eat us and most of them are stronger than we are. Our bodies require extra clothing and shelter in order to survive and we can’t function very long without food, water and fire. But even though lions and tigers and bears are better suited for survival, we can do something better than they can – we can use our conscious minds to adapt, connect and work with each other so the pooling of our strengths and resources can ensure survival of the group. But sticking together brings its own challenges doesn’t it? In adult relationships (the primary, romantic kind), it seems that relationship health requires a sense of trust and reliance on the other. This does not mean a dysfunctional dependence, but an interdependence where each relies on and needs the other not only for survival, but to thrive and grow. Early studies on attachment identified differences in children related to how securely they were attached to their primary caregivers. The children who were securely attached, who believed that their caregivers were reliable and would be there if needed, were most able to explore, try new things and build good relationships with others. But those who were uncertain - who could not be sure of their caregivers - were anxious, tentative and had more trouble socially and developmentally. I want to clarify that I do not advocate people being enmeshed or co-dependent. Both of those words have negative connotations in our society where individualism is so highly prized. Yet, in a relationship too much distance and independence is at least as damaging as too much dependence. Relational health is somewhere in the middle. I once heard someone call this “effectively enmeshed” but I don’t like that term either. I think that “mutual attachment” better describes that interrelatedness and interdependence. It is a place where I am deeply impacted by my partner - not controlled or manipulated - but soothed, supported, guided and accompanied. My partner is not my “better half” or “other half” because I am a complete person even without them. Rather, the person to whom I am attached allows me to be more of who I truly am, by virtue of our relationship. The interesting paradox is that that the person who brings us the most comfort, joy and reassurance is almost always also the person who is capable of bringing us the most fear, anguish and pain. That is the hazard, the risk we take, when we choose to become emotionally attached. I think that it is in our vulnerability or fear of being hurt that many relationship problems arise. Whenever we feel attacked, uncertain or threatened our primitive nervous systems automatically prompt us to fight, flee or freeze. The pattern for couples is often that the ways that we defend and protect ourselves actually push our partners away and end up creating the fear, pain and loss that we so want to avoid. So all this leaves us with a question - a choice: If the relationship that I share has (or could have) the meaning and significance that I want it to, am I willing to take the risk to step out of my pattern of fight, flee or freeze when I feel threatened or afraid? And if I am, what might that look like? |
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How’s Your Relationship Running? Sometime ago I heard one of my favorite authors in the field of couple therapy refer to himself as a “relationship mechanic.” I like that metaphor because it works quite well to describe the work I do with couples. By that I mean that the number of parallels between a mechanic and what I do are surprising, as well as those between relationships and automobiles. Relationships often need a tune-up, or repair and sometimes a major overhaul, just like a vehicle. Both can appear to be in very good shape on the outside, but may actually not run very well on the inside. In some cases they might look pretty unsophisticated, even a bit ragged on the outside, but really be quite reliable and trustworthy inside. That could describe some spouses or partners couldn’t it? Relationships can run out of gas, have poor timing or be mis-aligned. They can run rough, be hard to start, overheat easily or no longer have the spark they used to have. Two cars are not intended to occupy the same space at the same time – we call those accidents. When that happens, cars are damaged and the people in them get hurt. Similarly, people are not intended to be in two relationships at once. Just as cars are damaged by accidents, relationships are damaged by infidelity – whether physical or emotional. And like cars, a relationship may be just damaged on the surface or deeply structurally broken. Also like vehicles, the people inside are shocked, frightened, and possibly injured – sometimes severely. It may be heartening to realize that while some cars are “totaled” or damaged beyond repair, many can be restored even after a serious accident. Likewise, relationships can often recover from severe damage like infidelity and, with help, become even better than they were before. Some car owners take great care of their cars by routinely washing, maintaining, and making the minor adjustments needed to keep them running in top condition. Other car owners do just the basic maintenance (or even less than that) and passively wait for something to break. When a car is new it is shiny and fun, an adventure to drive, and it seems very reliable. But over time many folks find it easy to take their car for granted. They know it is always there from day to day, that it will most always do the daily tasks that must be done and that it will probably function adequately for quite awhile without much attention. Unfortunately, that often sets up a situation for the car to suddenly fail at the worst possible time resulting in inconvenience, frayed nerves, high expense, and perhaps reduced trust in the reliability of the car in the future. When something major does break, the car owner then rushes to the professional mechanic and wants a quick and inexpensive repair. Unfortunately, major repairs are seldom fast, cheap or painless. And most could be prevented. A lot like relationships, huh? Some couples manage to make the time to take care of their relationship. They do the basic maintenance to keep their connection energized and fresh. They find ways to carve out time for each other, not allowing the demands of children and careers to drain the energy or life out of their connection. These couples are the ones who recognize trouble spots early and are often able to do the repairs themselves. If needed, they can come to a relationship mechanic and are often able to restore and enhance their strength together relatively easily. But many others, (and sadly I think it is most others) are drawn into taking the relationship for granted, letting the details and stresses of life distract them from each other. These are the folks who are destined for sudden problems, ‘accidents’ or just a slow deterioration of satisfaction and fulfillment in the relationship. I was talking with my wife this morning about this article and the seemingly endless parallels between relationships and cars and between mechanics and couple therapists. After a short discussion she said: “Most cars nowadays have a GPS system to show the driver where they are and how to get where they want to go. Isn’t that something you do for couples too?” She was right (as she often is). So how are you maintaining your relationship? Are there repairs that need to be made before things get worse? Do you know where you are as a couple and how to get to where you want to go?
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John Goll Counseling |
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